Trump WILL make US #1 Again!

Most of the promises Donald Trump made on the campaign trail were complete and utter bullshit. He’s not bringing back coal jobs (or any jobs), he’s not building the wall and making Mexico pay for it, and I doubt he has any idea what he’ll replace Obamacare with. I’m not sure if people actually believed this crap or if they just wanted it to be true so badly they voted for a morally bankrupt demagogue who was the least qualified person in a field of twenty-some candidates.

But there is one area he is delivering on his promises. He promised to make us number one again. He’s done more to make the US number one than anything. Thanks to Trump we are now number one among racists, sexists, homophobes, and antisemites. We’re also seeing an enormous drop in illegal immigration and tourism just on the strength of his words!

Brazil may still have more corruption than us. If their corruption is bad enough to warrant news coverage in the states it must be horrible, but I’m sure we’ll catch up.

And now that we’re pulling out of the Paris Accord we’re on track to become the number one emitter of fossil fuels on the planet. It will be hard to overtake China, they have abount four times the population we do, but with some good old-fashioned elbow grease and American know-how we’ll be spewing CO2 out of power plants faster than you can say “Global Warming is a liberal conspiracy.”

I heard that a recent study named Niger the worst place in the world to be a child, but give us a minute. We’ll let them be number one – for now.