A Few More Thoughts on Current Political Developments

Oh shit

After last week Friday, it is impossible for anyone to deny that the Trump campaign administration tried to collude with Russia.

I’m not implying Donald Trump was personally involved or is directly to blame, I haven’t seen enough evidence to make that kind of judgment yet, but I do have something I think everyone should consider.

Trump either knew his campaign chairman National Security Advisor was up to some shady business that could possibly lead to a number of charges, and either didn’t care or thought he could get away with it…

Or he had no idea Paul Manafort Michael Flynn lied to the FBI.

I’m not sure which is worse. That he knowingly hired someone who would engage in unethical behavior or that he would hire someone without knowing enough about them to be certain they wouldn’t engage in such unethical behavior.

Either way, is this the kind of guy we want having input on how we manage our tax code? For all we know he might be embezzling our taxes and social security to gild the White House and have prostitutes pee on the Obama’s old bed.

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High School Dropout Thoroughly Convinced He Is Smarter Than Harvard Professor

Gadsden, AL – Robert Hodge, a busboy/dishwasher at a Denny’s in Northeastern Alabama, took to Twitter today to call former Harvard Professor and current Senator Elizabeth Warren a “stupid fucking libtard cunt that’s should get a refund on her JD degree.”

“Yeah, I let that liberal Liawatha bitch have it,” said Hodge during a smoke break during the dinner rush. “I’m just so sick of these people with educations and degrees acting like they know it all. It’s just a piece of paper ya know?”

He also took to both Twitter and Facebook to call Democrat candidates things such “DemoRats,” “Feminazis” and “Snowflakes.” He has managed to troll many opponents of current Senatorial Candidate Roy Moore by calling them “Blue-Pilled Sheeple.”

“All these coastal elites think they’re so smart,” he said. “But it’s just that they’re so brainwashed by the mainstream media. I get my news from the real media. I watch and read stuff from Breitbart, Fox News, and Infowars. Those are the only sources telling people the truth!”

Despite never attaining at High School Diploma or GED, Hodge is completely convinced he could do a better job running the country than some of our  former leaders.

“Barack Obama was nothing but a lazy, stupid ni- black guy,” he said. “Well, I shouldn’t say that. He was pretty smart for a black guy, but he’s still dumb compared to me.”

“I’m just glad we finally got a president with some sense. One who’s going to lower taxes, ban Muslims and execute queers.”

When it was pointed out that President Trump hasn’t been able to do any of these things despite his party controlling all three branches of the federal government, he shouted “Fake News” before reentering the Denny’s to clean up chocolate milk spilled by a toddler.

Patriotism

Everyone keeps talking about patriotism as if it’s a basic need like air or water or a basic emotion that should have been portrayed in Inside Out.

But patriotism isn’t an emotion. It’s not an instilled value or a feeling of pride in one’s homeland.  Patriotism is a product; like computer chips and tampons.

Patriotism is a way for mediocre companies to get you to buy gaudy t-shirts, buttons and bumper stickers. And then wrap yourself up in a flag and pretend it’s fashionable. It’s the reason a two-hour Navy commercial called American Sniper was nominated for an Oscar. It’s the reason people buy watered-down hard rock from a band called 5 Finger Death Punch.

Patriotism is a way to get people to vote for something they might not agree with by saying it’s for ‘the good of the country.’ Or to get people to suffer some unnecessarily because their country requires it. Or to kill some poor sap who never did anything wrong but feel patriotism for a different country.

It’s a way for people who never contribute anything to society to feel good about themselves. Patriotism is a way to make people who were born in one area feel like they’re superior to people born in another area.

Patriotism is all of this and more. Available for only $19.95

 

How to Tell If You’re A Racist: Part 1

The other day I overheard three guys talking for half an hour about how not racist they were. I didn’t have the heart to point out that people who aren’t racist don’t need to engage in these conversations, but couldn’t help notice the irony

It is somewhat strange to hear a group of white guys talking about how racism is over and everyone should get over it. I’m guessing they’re probably not experts on the subject.

But then again, maybe they were just practicing for their upcoming Fox News show. “Three Straight White Guys.” I can see it now. They’ll discuss the hot-button issues of the day and provide fair and balanced commentary.

“Tonight on Three Straight White Guys, the gang tackles racism. they say it’s over. Will anyone disagree? Not anyone we let on this station. Later in the week they’ll talk sexism, but only for the men. You get your sweet ass in the kitchen and cook us a meatloaf sugar-tits. Then next week we’ll discuss those whiny Indians. We stole your land like 800 years ago. And God wanted us to have it so get over it crybabies…

… All this and more, only on Three Straight White Guys.”

Check local listings.

 

Trump Blames Obama for Hurricanes, Wildfires and Drought

Palm Beach, FL – President Trump held a press conference yesterday amid the blowing winds of Hurricane Irma where he blamed his predecessor for multiple natural disasters facing the U.S.

“Look at this crowd, this is a great crowd,” he told the hundred-some people gathered in a shelter to escape the rains and winds outside. “This is a bigger crowd than Obama ever got for a photo op in a disaster area, but the lying media won’t tell you that.”

Trump then lashed out at ‘fake news’ outlets for about twenty minutes. He told the crowd that they could believe anything positive that was written about him in the press, but that any criticism was ‘fake news.’

He then made the statement that Hurricanes Harvey and Irma were part of a deep state conspiracy to try and undermine his presidency.

“You know,” he said. “There are a lot of Obama appointees still working at the National Hurricane Center and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. After all  that I’ve been through with my microwave being tapped and this fake Russian witch hunt it wouldn’t surprise me if some bureaucrats cooked up these storms to try to make me look bad.”

(From the Wisconsin State Journal, Madison.com)

He then stated that wildfires in the American West were started by Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails, droughts in the Dakotas were started by Bernie Sanders and a giant fan, and his high cholesterol is the responsibility of former Commissioner of Food and Drugs Margaret A. Hamburg, M.D.

“Everything is a conspiracy. Don’t trust anyone! Except me. You can trust me. I’ll sell you the best car. It’ll be the best used car you’ve ever had. Definitely not a lemon. You’ll get tired of how not a lemon this car is.”

The president continued to speak for about an hour and a half and never seemed to notice the water seeping into the building and rising. Threatening to engulf him and his entire administration.

A Little Late

 

I guess that by 2017 you’d think this is a conversation that we would have gotten over. Come on, the Confederacy fell over 150 years ago (after existing for only four years and never gaining international recognition). Even the Nazi party was defeated over seventy years ago.

Are you noticing a pattern here? White supremacists poke their heads out for a little while, start some trouble and get their asses kicked.

Have you noticed that none of the people from the alt-right who bemoaned all the ‘political correctness’ in our culture are bitching about the term ‘white nationalist.’

If you’re unsure ‘white nationalist’ is just a euphemism for Nazi or Klansmen.

Trump Promises “Big, Beautiful Scandal”

Washington- President Trump promised voters a “big, beautiful scandal” that will be announced by the end of the week.

“It will be, I believe, the biggest scandal in American history,” said Trump. “Bigger than Sally Hemmings, Lincoln’s sexual preference or Calvin Coolidge’s Cocker Spaniel put together. It will be bigger than Watergate. It will be so big that after this we’ll have a new suffix to replace -gate on political scandals.”

President Trump has been facing serious backlash for his firing of FBI Director James Comeyand spilling government secrets to Russian officials. He hopes this new revelation will take the focus off other scandals.

“It’s going to be so yuge that people at my rallies (which are the biggest rallies ever held, bigger than Stalin’s or Castro’s rallies) will begin yelling ‘Lock him up!'” bragged the obviously confused chief executive. “Even sycophants like Paul Ryan and Bob Gibbs are going to be shouting ‘Lock him up!'”

Speaker Paul Ryan disagrees, saying he’s been working on his own scandal with Vice President Mike Pence and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum involving the recreation of the famous ‘bring out the gimp’ scene from Pulp Fiction.

“This is going to be bigger than my firing Comey for investigating collusion between my campaign and Russia, or not backing me on the Obama wiretapping claim, or my spills of sensitive information.”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer could not be reached for comment as he was hiding behind an azalea bush in the Rose Garden.

In the president’s defense, everything he touches appears large to him because of his tiny baby hands.