Trump Promises “Big, Beautiful Scandal”

Washington- President Trump promised voters a “big, beautiful scandal” that will be announced by the end of the week.

“It will be, I believe, the biggest scandal in American history,” said Trump. “Bigger than Sally Hemmings, Lincoln’s sexual preference or Calvin Coolidge’s Cocker Spaniel put together. It will be bigger than Watergate. It will be so big that after this we’ll have a new suffix to replace -gate on political scandals.”

President Trump has been facing serious backlash for his firing of FBI Director James Comeyand spilling government secrets to Russian officials. He hopes this new revelation will take the focus off other scandals.

“It’s going to be so yuge that people at my rallies (which are the biggest rallies ever held, bigger than Stalin’s or Castro’s rallies) will begin yelling ‘Lock him up!'” bragged the obviously confused chief executive. “Even sycophants like Paul Ryan and Bob Gibbs are going to be shouting ‘Lock him up!'”

Speaker Paul Ryan disagrees, saying he’s been working on his own scandal with Vice President Mike Pence and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum involving the recreation of the famous ‘bring out the gimp’ scene from Pulp Fiction.

“This is going to be bigger than my firing Comey for investigating collusion between my campaign and Russia, or not backing me on the Obama wiretapping claim, or my spills of sensitive information.”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer could not be reached for comment as he was hiding behind an azalea bush in the Rose Garden.

In the president’s defense, everything he touches appears large to him because of his tiny baby hands.

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