High School Dropout Thoroughly Convinced He Is Smarter Than Harvard Professor

Gadsden, AL – Robert Hodge, a busboy/dishwasher at a Denny’s in Northeastern Alabama, took to Twitter today to call former Harvard Professor and current Senator Elizabeth Warren a “stupid fucking libtard cunt that’s should get a refund on her JD degree.”

“Yeah, I let that liberal Liawatha bitch have it,” said Hodge during a smoke break during the dinner rush. “I’m just so sick of these people with educations and degrees acting like they know it all. It’s just a piece of paper ya know?”

He also took to both Twitter and Facebook to call Democrat candidates things such “DemoRats,” “Feminazis” and “Snowflakes.” He has managed to troll many opponents of current Senatorial Candidate Roy Moore by calling them “Blue-Pilled Sheeple.”

“All these coastal elites think they’re so smart,” he said. “But it’s just that they’re so brainwashed by the mainstream media. I get my news from the real media. I watch and read stuff from Breitbart, Fox News, and Infowars. Those are the only sources telling people the truth!”

Despite never attaining at High School Diploma or GED, Hodge is completely convinced he could do a better job running the country than some of our  former leaders.

“Barack Obama was nothing but a lazy, stupid ni- black guy,” he said. “Well, I shouldn’t say that. He was pretty smart for a black guy, but he’s still dumb compared to me.”

“I’m just glad we finally got a president with some sense. One who’s going to lower taxes, ban Muslims and execute queers.”

When it was pointed out that President Trump hasn’t been able to do any of these things despite his party controlling all three branches of the federal government, he shouted “Fake News” before reentering the Denny’s to clean up chocolate milk spilled by a toddler.

Advertisements

How to Tell If You’re A Racist: Part 1

The other day I overheard three guys talking for half an hour about how not racist they were. I didn’t have the heart to point out that people who aren’t racist don’t need to engage in these conversations, but couldn’t help notice the irony

It is somewhat strange to hear a group of white guys talking about how racism is over and everyone should get over it. I’m guessing they’re probably not experts on the subject.

But then again, maybe they were just practicing for their upcoming Fox News show. “Three Straight White Guys.” I can see it now. They’ll discuss the hot-button issues of the day and provide fair and balanced commentary.

“Tonight on Three Straight White Guys, the gang tackles racism. they say it’s over. Will anyone disagree? Not anyone we let on this station. Later in the week they’ll talk sexism, but only for the men. You get your sweet ass in the kitchen and cook us a meatloaf sugar-tits. Then next week we’ll discuss those whiny Indians. We stole your land like 800 years ago. And God wanted us to have it so get over it crybabies…

… All this and more, only on Three Straight White Guys.”

Check local listings.